i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
