I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
