So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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