i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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