chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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