Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
