I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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