I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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