I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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