i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
