Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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