I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
