i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
