You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
