Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
