i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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