She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
