My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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