No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
