We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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