1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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