is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
