Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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