This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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