Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
