I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
