this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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