I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
