You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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