Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
