wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
