well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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