My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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