Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize