Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have tasted many bathrooms
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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