she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i think my cat just said my name.
Randomize