My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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