After last night, I could never be a politician.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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