Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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