last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
