You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
