i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
