he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize