You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
