How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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