I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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