Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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