I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
