She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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