dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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