Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
