I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
