I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
