sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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