I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
