IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
