Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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