You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
